The Tragic Tale of Boymony
by Lord Drash
Summary: What if the girliest character was born a boy? Don't ask, just read. And then know.
1. The First Chapter

**The Tragic Tale of Boymony**

**Chapter One: The First Chapter**

It was a dark and sunny night. Lightning crackled across the cloudless sky and rain poured down in thick flakes. Mrs. Kendall was giving birth to their child, one who would change the world forever!

"You can do it honey!" Mr. Kendall said, his generic looking face looking like how one would expect his face to look like.

"Thank you for telling me that! Now I feel like I can!" Mrs. Kendall said cheerfully.

The doctor came in, dressed in doctor clothes. He looked at Mrs. Kendall and rubbed his hand on her throbbing belly.

"Hmmm…yes you are still pregnant. Let's see what we can do about that!"

"Okay! I can't wait to see our little girl, who we know is a girl because of the ultrasound we did earlier, showing that our girl is a girl!" Mr. Kendall said excitedly.

Mrs. Kendall gave one last mighty push and the child slipped into the doctor's hands. He wiped his hands on her shirt and then looked at the baby, blinking his eyes slightly as a jolt of lightning crashed through the ceiling and hit the baby.  
"Huh. It's a boy. What are you going to name him?"

"We'll name her Harm-…wait. What?" Mrs. Kendall said

"It's a boy?!" Mr. Kendall said.

"Yes. And you have to name him now, or he can't be an American citizen."

"Oh crap. I don't know any boy names," Mrs. Kendall said.

"Wait…I have an idea. We were going to call her Harmony…but maybe if we just call him Har-"

"Harmony's a girl's name." The doctor said patiently.

"Shoot. There goes my idea."

"WAIT!" Mrs. Kendall said, "What if we combine the two? Boy and Harmony…combined they are…Melody!"

"Still a girl's name."

"Aria?"

"Girl."

"Boymony?" Mr. Kendall asked.

"Sounds good to me!" The doctor said gleefully, stamping the newly christened Boymony and holding him up high. "Get ready to face the world!"

**Sixteen Years Later-ish…**

"I am Cordelia Chase and am also the most popular girl in the school!"

"Yes you are!" Boymony said excitedly, clapping his manly hands together as his long flowing blond hair flipped around her head.

"That new Buffy girl is not!" Cordelia said, her voice becoming bitchy.

"I agree with that statement!" Boymony said, his deep voice booming mightily as he adjusted his backpack.

"Let's stop her from being popular!" Cordelia said.

"Okay!" Boymony and the Cordettes, who were girls who feel similarly to Cordelia, said.

They knew Buffy and her unpopular friends were in the library, which is the uncoolest place on campus, next to the small cemetery they bury the faculty in which is even less cool. So, with a popular, determined air they head to the library, not going to class because it is Veteran's Day and there is no class on that day.

With a loud yell Cordelia kicked in the door to the library, sending piles of books scattering. One of the heavy tomes hit Xander who yelled in surprise-pain.

"What is the meaning of this interruption?" Giles demanded, his voice thick with British accent.

"We are here to declare how unpopular you all are!" Cordelia said, folding her head back and glaring at Willow underneath her arm.

"You don't mean that…do you?" Willow asked, nervously twisting her hair.

"Course she does!" Boymony said cattily, flexing her thick muscles.

"I am a Vampire Slayer," Buffy said, stepping forward.

"So?" Cordelia asked, snapping her head forward and putting her hands on her feminine hips.

"So in order to determine popularity among Vampire Slayers, you must defeat them in combat!"

"Oh," Cordelia said disappointedly. "I thought I was just going to make fun of you for a bit and my friends would laugh at you and then your friends would cry and I would be popular."

"That's normally how it works," Giles said, flipping through one of his books. "But like she said, Vampire Slayers are different."

"Anyone itching for a fight?" Buffy said, cracking her knuckles threateningly as she threatened them.

"I think I am!" Boymony said, discarding his leather jacket and stepping towards Buffy, his manly boot making a thick indentation on the floor.

"Buffy! Are you sure you want to do this?" Xander asked. "That's Boymony! The mightiest of Cordelia's male entourage!"

"I don't care!" Buffy said. "I have all the power of Vampires and then some!"

She threw a mighty punch at Boymony that hit the girl in the chest, but before Boymony could counterattack a vampire jumped through the window and hit itself on the table, shattering the table and skewering itself on the wooden shards. It dusted immediately. Then the Master came in.

"Oh no! The Master!" Cordelia said.

"Yes! I am the Master!" The Master said.

"Wait!" Giles said, "Is the The in The Master capitalized or not?"

"I think it is," The Master said, "Because it is a title."

"But you did not capitalize it initially," Willow said, using her magic to verify that fact.

"I made a mistake, because I am evil."

"What will we do now?" Xander asked, as more vampires ran into the room, most managing to avoid skewering themselves on wooden objects, although one blinded himself by getting a book caught in his eyes.

"We fight!" Angel said, leaping through the ventilation system heroically.

"Hello salty goodness," Cordelia said, thrusting her hips out at Angel as she threw her backpack full of popular things at The Master.

"RAAARGH!" The Master said angrily, knocking it aside and spraying the nearby vampires with Holy Water.

"Oh no! Holy Water!" one of the vampires said, as the holy water holied all over them.

"Master we must escape!" Darla said, ducking under a crossbow thrown by Angel.

"I don't think so," Boymony said, stepping forward and punching Darla in the face, decapitating her.

"My dear one!" The Master said, raising his bloody ear-face towards the sky.

"No! You are the dear one!" Buffy said, kicking The Master in the eye. "You fell right into our trap!"

"NO! You fell into my trap!" The Master said, biting Buffy on the chest and sucking her chest-blood out.

"Now Giles!" Willow said, throwing a pencil at Cordelia.

Giles nodded and used his shotgun to blow a hole in the ceiling, sending sunlight streaming in because it was daytime, killing all the vampires, including The Master.

"Woohoo! We did it!" Xander said happily.

"Good job everyone," Angel said. "But since I have a soul, I have to go live in the sewers."  
"Okay," Buffy said.

"You know him?" Cordelia said angrily.

"I did not know him," Boymony said.

"I don't care about your opinion because it is stupid."

"You don't mean that?!" Giles asked, shocked that Americans were so mean to each other.

"No, you are right. I apologize."  
And with that, the day was saved. Until next time…when it was threatened again!


	2. The Next Chapter

**Chapter Two: The Next Chapter**

With The Master finally defeated, all the good guys and Buffy decided to have a prom in the library, while Giles and Boymony repaired the ceiling.

"We have no lumber!" Xander said, applying his expert construction knowledge to the problem at hand, while Jenny Calendar used the library's computer to play music.

"What will we do?" Boymony asked.

"I have these!" Giles said with a grin the size of a soccer ball, holding up several old books.

"Perfect!" Willow said, as she danced with Oz.

The four got to work, hammering the books into the hole, blocking out the sunlight so that Angel could dance with Buffy without getting his face burned.

"Now that we have completed this challenge, I declare you slightly less unpopular!" Cordelia said. "But don't let me catch you hanging around again, or Boymony will eat your parents!"

"And I'll do it too!" Boymony said, flexing his toes threateningly.

"Oh no! Not my parents!" Buffy said in horror. "I like them!"  
"Most people do. That is why it is an effective threat." Cordelia said in a confident tone.

Angel furrowed his eyes as shadows draped over his face like drapes. "I have a dark past. I killed my parents."

Everyone nodded and agreed.

Soon after that the prom died, and everyone left the auditorium to go on vacation for the summer, as the defeat of The Master ended the school year.

Buffy had an awesome summer, buying shoes and hanging out with her dad, who did not know she killed The Master.

Xander discovered his middle name was Alex and got into a fight with his parents, in a conflict that he would be unable to adequately resolve for five years. Of sadness.

Willow was Jewish.

Giles shot the ceiling again, but this time a statue fell on his head, knocking him out and when he woke up The Master was dead.

Angel contemplated being evil for reasons unknown to him, until the sun came up and then he went back into the coffin he keeps in his mansion.

Boymony bought shoes and practiced being stronger, until her parents bought him bigger clothes.

The other characters did stuff.

And so, with a heavy heart all the people were sad when they came back to school.

"Ergh, I hate students!" Principal Snyder said, wiping what was left of Principal Flutie off on his shoes.

"That is something that someone like you would feel," Giles said, watching Principal Snyder wipe Principal Flutie off his shoes.

While everyone went to class, vampires broke in and attacked Buffy. She beat them off, and after dusting them she interrogated the tall one and found out that the Anointed One had kidnapped all her friends.

"Curses!" Buffy said. "I had forgotten about him over summer vacation."

Then Boymony walked in. "I will help you find your friends, since my friend Cordelia is with them!"

Buffy nodded and the two clasped hands together, demonstrating their feminine manliness by kicking the school doors down simultaneously and back flipping over the chain link fence, all while holding their hands in a way that does not mean they will become a couple. Soon they reached the Anointed One's lair.

"ARGH!" The Anointed One snarled, his horns glinting in the firelight over The Master's bones. "How dare you foil my plans again! Get them!"

Several vampires attempted to get them, but they were stopped. While Buffy and Boymony fought the Anointed One, Oz rescued the other people. But as things looked grim, a man jumped through the sunroof, landing on and crushing The Master's bones.

"ARGH!" The Anointed One screamed as the sunlight turned him into dust.

The new person stood up, a grin on his bleached-blonde face. Looking into, Boymony felt a quiver go over her body, but he fought past it and thrust his fist at the man.

"I am Spike, I killed Slayers before and I am evil enough to kill them now!"

"Oh no! I heard you killed two Slayers! That is more than The Master!" Giles said, reading from a book.  
"Wait," Willow said, "Are you counting Buffy? Because, if you count her as being killed by The Master then I think he got two as well."

"But I'm not dead!" Buffy said, insulted that her friend would attempt to state that she was dead.

"But you were kind of dead," Angel said.

"Fine, I'll concede, The Master killed two Slayers."

"Wait," Spike said, "I killed three Slayers. That one in Denmark."  
"I don't remember that one," Drusilla said, kicking Xander in the face.

"It was really quick."

"Okay," Boymony said, tearing Drusilla in half and throwing her corpse at Spike. He blocked it and started fighting, but neither was able to really get into it because of reasons that will be clear in two years. Seeing the mighty forces arrayed against him, Spike grabbed the unconscious Drusilla and ran away.

"Thank you for saving me Boymony!" Cordelia said, eyes glowing with sparkles.

"No problem," Boymony said, lifting Cordelia up and leaving the evil factory.

Angel turned to Buffy. "Now that Spike has been defeated forever, we should celebrate."  
"Another prom?" Buffy asked, motioning to Jenny Calendar to turn on the music again.

"No," Angel said, furrowing his eyes together. "I meant something much more…_private_."

"Like an exclusive prom?" Buffy asked, kicking Oz through a window.

"No," Angel said, forehead widening dramatically. "I mean sex."

"Okay," Buffy said. "Let's go to my house, because I have a bed."

"I don't like you!" Xander said to Angel as he leapt out of the train.

"Neither do I!" Jenny Calendar said.

"I think we can pursue a meaningful relationship!" Giles said.

"Were you talking to me?" Willow asked.

"No, I meant Jenny Calendar."

"I have a dark past," Jenny said, putting her hand to her head.

"Did you kill your parents?" Boymony asked.

"No. I am a gypsy."  
"Eeurgh," everyone but Giles said, who merely told her that he loved her in spite of that and took her to the library to show her books.

While this was happening, Buffy was introducing Angel to her mother, Joyce.

"Hello Joyce, this is my boyfriend, Angel."  
Joyce looked at Angel.

"I don't feel comfortable with the way she's looking at me," Angel said uncomfortably.

"He is a pretty guy. You should have sex with him because of how pretty he is," Joyce said with a grin.

"Glad you like him Joyce!" Buffy said.

As Buffy started to eagerly grab Angel and take him to her room, Joyce yelled something at her.

"Daughter! Don't have sex with him you hear! I had you when I was your age and my kid was horrible! Don't fall into the same trap!" But her warning fell only on Angel's ears, and since he was not the daughter of anyone he ignored the warning. If only Angel had been Joyce's daughter, then the following tragedy could have been averted.

Buffy and Angel had sex and they enjoyed it. Buffy enjoyed it more though. After they were done Angel shot out of the bed and looked at Buffy.

"I'm evil now!" Angel said with shock, before diving through the window. Stunned and confused, Buffy did the only thing she could…she called up Boymony.

"I need your help! Grab the gang!"

Boymony nodded and grabbed the gang. Carrying everyone on her back, with Xander on his thigh Boymony brought everyone to the cemetery outside Angel's mansion.

"What's he doing here?" Buffy asked angrily, pointing to Spike who was leaning against Boymony's elbow.

"Angelus there got my girl Drusilla helping him end the world. I came here to save the girl and save the world."

"As did I," a dark-skinned girl with a thick Belgium accent said, stepping forward and hurling a sword at Buffy, who caught it with her fingers.

"Who are you?" Boymony asked, stomping forward with enough force to send the girl to her knees.

"I am Kendra, the Vampire Slayer who took over after you died!" Kendra said, pointing at Buffy accusingly.

"Ha! That proves The Master killed you!" Willow said.

"I agreed with you earlier," Buffy reminded Oz.

"Oh."

Everyone stared at the ground as they thought about what had been said. Before thirty-six seconds were allowed to pass, Drusilla jumped out and staked Kendra, killing the Vampire. Willow cast a fire spell that burned Drusilla up and turned her into ash.

"Ah ! You killed the girl! Now I won't help you save the world." Spike turned and left, never to return again.

"Alright guys, let's do this. I have to face Angelus alone, so the rest of you kill vampires out here. Boymony, come with me."  
"My pleasure," Boymony said happily.

Everyone circled around the mansion and killed vampires. Boymony and Buffy went in alone.

"At last you come, Buffy and Boymony," Angelus said, standing in front of an evil statue.

"Yeah. We came, to stab you with this sword!" Boymony said as Buffy brandished the admittedly cool looking sword.

"Oh yeah? Well stab me before I do this!" Angelus said, reaching behind his back and pulling out Jenny Calendar.

"You? You're the one who cursed Angel?" Buffy said in shock.

"I loved you!" Giles said with a thick British accent.

"I didn't mean it!" Jenny Calendar said, before Angelus snapped her neck and ate her. He then pulled a sword out of Acathla.

"I loved her!" Giles screamed, stabbing at Angelus with a chainsaw. Angelus blocked it with his sword and then flourished a riposte that sent Giles tumbling into unconsciousness.

"Let's fight!" Angelus said. They fought, really hard. But it wasn't hard enough and the bad guy was almost winning. But then Boymony revealed their plan they came up with when they killed Drusilla.

"So Angelus, when you are Angel, you turn evil when you experience a moment of perfect happiness?"

"Yes of course!" Angelus said, scraping away some rubber on his forehead with his sword.

"Then logically you would turn good when you experience a moment of perfect sorrow!" Buffy said gleefully.

"Actually, most curses don't work logically. It is one of the reasons why the modern world has yet to accept magic, because it simply doesn't obey any logical rules," Giles explained.

"Ha!" Angelus said, "I love being evil and ending the world. And I'm doing all three of those things right now!"

"Surely something would make you sorrow?" Cordelia asked.

"The only thing that could make me sad is the idea of me turning good again!"

"Gotcha," Boymony said with a grin on her face.

"Oh no!" Angelus said, as he thought about becoming good again and became very sad and then he became good again. "I'm good now!"

Buffy and Angel kissed. The portal opened up behind them. Willow was Jewish. Boymony said something.

"It sure is a good thing you don't experience perfect happiness over being good, otherwise your curse would create an infinite loop."  
"That is a good thing," Angel said, with kiss on his face from Buffy. "But the only way to close the portal is through my blood. Buffy, you must stab-"

Boymony punched Angel in the face and knocked him in the portal, saving the day. Everyone cheered and went home for summer vacation, except for Buffy who went somewhere else because her mom didn't like Angel.


	3. Season Three

**Chapter Three: Season Three**

"Previously on "The Tragic Tale of Boymony", The Master attacked and hurt a lot of people, but he was stopped because he was a vampire. Then the Anointed One attacked and hurt a couple of people, but then he was stopped by someone more evil. Then Spike and Drusilla did evil things, until Angel felt so good he decided to be evil and was more evil than the other two, so the less evil people stopped him with the help of Buffy and Boymony. And then everyone had summer vacation."

"Wow! Thanks for telling us that story Giles!" Willow said to Giles, who had just finished telling them that story.

"It is a very excellent story," Giles said snootily, with a touch of a British accent. "I shall record it in the Watcher's Diaries for posterity, because that is what you do with diaries, write about what other people did."

"Do you think Buffy will ever come back?" Xander, Buffy's best male friend asked.

"It is doubtful," Joyce said. "I disowned her and gave all her things to Goodwill and called the police on her because she continued to date Angel even though I didn't want her too."

"I miss Buffy," Cordelia said.

"We all do," Boymony answered with a manly giggle.

They had no more time to worry about Buffy though, as suddenly the television came on.

"The results are in, and it looks like the Mayor is once again the Mayor of Sunnydale!" the smiling male newscaster said with a smile, but not a simile.

"Yes he is, but that's a capital T in The Mayor, because it's a title fellow newscaster," the slightly less smiling female newscaster said with less of a smile and about as much of a simile.

"Whoops, sorry about that. I thought it was an indefinite article! Silly me!"

"Yes, you are silly!"

Both newscasters laughed uproariously until the news station was attacked by zombies.

"Well, there is much less evil in the world now," Oz said, referring to how the moon was only full some of the time, instead of a couple of the times.

"Yes, but Jenny Calendar is still dead," Giles said with a sigh.

"Don't worry about her," Boymony said. "She was Jewish, so I'm sure she's in Jewish heaven or something."

"I'm Jewish!" Willow said angrily, "She was a gypsy! Despite the similar beginnings of both words, they are not the same thing."

Boymony looked at Willow coldly. "I do not find you physically attractive. Get a boyfriend other than me or something."

Willow or somethinged.

"Well, since there are no bad guys to fight, I shall go play with my band at the Bronze," Oz said, brushing some werewolf hair out of his head.

"Ah ha! I know how to liven this place up!" Cordelia said, with a popular grin. "Boymony, we should make an Anti-Oz Band to counter his band!"

"Excellent idea!" Giles said, smashing his glasses against his face. "That should encourage everyone to kill vampires!"

"What? No!" Cordelia said, shocked. "It should encourage them to dance!"

"And through their dancing, they shall kill vampires?" Giles questioned.

"Just be quiet, silly British face. Boymony, we have no one of musical talent in our band. Who should we have help us?"

"That Oz guy is pretty okay with music! Let's have him join our band!"

"Okay," Oz said.

So with the help of Oz they formed their own band, but as they were playing at the Bronze, they were suddenly attacked by vampires and zombies. Things looked grim, as Boymony was only able to kill thirty of them, when Buffy jumped through the wall and killed the rest.

"Buffy you're back!" Joyce said happily, hugging her only daughter, the one that she has.

"Yes, Joyce, I am back," Buffy said with a world-ending smile.

Suddenly, everyone noticed a girl dancing with three zombies and one vampire. She danced with them and then she killed them, just like how Buffy did…but eviler.

"Who are you?" Willow demanded, flaunting her red hair at the new, somewhat evil girl.

"I am Faith, the Vampire Slayer!"

"A Vampire Slayer," Buffy corrected.

"What?" Faith said. "Who are you?"  
"I am **the **Vampire Slayer."  
"Well that's kind of rude, Buffy," Joyce said. "I'm sure Faith here worked just as hard as you to be a good Vampire Slayer."

"Yeah!" Faith said, continuing her sexy dance.

"She hasn't saved the world as many times as I have! I've saved it like three times!"

"Are you counting the Judge?" Giles asked. "Because I don't know if he was directly threatening the world. After all, if a Rocket Launcher could stop him, I don't think the situation required us. Any sort of military action would suffice."

"Fine, but then we have to count the first time The Master tried to escape with his stupid Mark of the Anointed as a time I saved the world, so it's still three."

Giles looked at Buffy long and hard, but in the end decided to give her that point. With that issue resolved, Boymony carried everyone and her car back to the library, where they discussed stuff. Before the conversation could get too detailed, bad stuff happened in the form of several vampires attacking, one being black and the other being a vampire.

"Oh no!" Faith said, stopping her sexy dancing to clasp her hands over her face and shriek in terrified fright. "It's Mr. Trick and that other vampire, the one that killed my Watcher!"

"Yes!" That other vampire said, laughing with evil in his heart. "And now I shall kill your new watcher!"

"Capital W in Watcher, as it is a title," Willow corrected.

"Ah, sorry about that. I was evil," the vampire said as he reached for Giles and killed him.

"Wait! I'm not her Watcher, I'm HER Watcher," Giles said, pointing at Boymony.

"I'm not a Slayer," Boymony said, her voice face registering her surprise. "I'm not even a girl!"

"I was pointing at Buffy, who is standing behind you."

"Oh!" Buffy said, surprised. "So I am!"

Things looked grim for our heroes, Boymony managed to punch the several vampires into dust, the other vampire, the one with evil in his heart, and the black vampire who was being tricky were too powerful, at least until Angel fell out of a hole in the sky and crushed the evil vampire.

"This place is too crazy for me, I'm going to look for work!" Mr. Trick said, leaving.

"Angel! You're back!" Buffy said, kissing him.

"Rar!" Angel said, biting her kiss.

"Oh no!" Xander said. "He must have gone insane from being trapped in a hell dimension, how will we fix that?"

Boymony punched Angel in the face. The action reminded him of the action that sent him into hell, and he instantly got over all the hell he went through in hell.

"Buffy! I love you!" Angel said, kissing her.

"Ha, isn't it funny how the vampire loves the Vampire Slayer?" Joyce said, with a motherly grin on her motherly face.

"He's a vampire?" Faith shouted, "Then he must die!"

Faith attempted to kill Angel, but Buffy kicked Faith in the groin and knee.

"No Faith! He's a good vampire!"

"I believe you now!" Faith said, stopping her attempt to kill Angel.

Soon everything was back to normal, and people were happy, only now Faith joined Buffy, Angel and Boymony when they went out to kill things to save people. The four killed lots of things and it was good for a while, but soon Anyanka came and tried to make people make wishes.

"Hey Boymony, do you wish for something?"

"Hmm," Boymony said, thinking hard. "I wish I knew what you would wish for, were you me and in my position."

"Granted!" Anyanka said, laughing evilly. "You would wish for…the knowledge of what I would wish for were I you and in your position."

"Oh. That makes sense I suppose."

Anyanka grinned evilly and left to find more people, but then Spike showed up.

"You!" Boymony said, cracking her knuckles against his shins with anger.

"Yes! Me!" Spike said, running his fingers through his Draco Malfoy-like hair. "I have come to seek help in getting Drusilla to love me again, as she does not now."

"Everytime you come near me, I am filled with rage…and some other, unexplainable feeling," Boymony said, twitching his face in a twitchy motion.

Spike frowned. "I also feel those feelings. But that doesn't prevent me from needing your help."

"Just punch her in the face, that's what I did to Cordelia," Boymony said, holding up Cordelia's head. Spike brightened immediately.

"That's bloody brilliant! She loves that kind of stuff! Thanks!" And then Spike turned into a bat and flew away.

With that problem solved, Anyanka tried to get Faith to make a wish.

"If you could wish for anything, what would you wish for?"

"I don't know…what would I wish for?" Faith said evilly.

"Excellent question!" Anyanka said, teleporting away.

Suddenly, Giles showed up.

"Giles? What are you doing here?" Boymony asked, as Buffy and Angel kissed and Cordelia snubbed Xander, who she was no longer dating.

"I am the new Giles, sent from England to be Faith's Watcher," the new Giles said, his stuffy British accent even stuffier and more British than Giles'!

"Watch out, that vampire will kill you if you are Faith's Watcher!" Angel said.

New Giles looked very frightened and cleaned his glasses, until Oz reassured him through his werewolf cage that Angel had crushed that vampire and he was no longer among the living. New Giles smiled at that, and then proceeded to ask questions at people.

"So Faith, you took over as Slayer after Kendra died."

"Yes. I know who that is," Faith said, grinning sexily.

"And Kendra took over after you died," New Giles said to Buffy, who nodded. "So it is my theory that Buffy no longer counts as a Slayer."

"What the Hellmouth does that mean, Wesley Wyndam-Pryce?" Giles asked New Giles.

"Well you see, when Buffy died, that moved the Slayer Line down to Kendra, and then Kendra died and moved it to Faith. Buffy coming back to life was not supposed to happen, and never has happened before, but basically I think it means that if she dies, it no longer triggers another Slayer."

"And why is that?" Buffy asked, ignoring Faith's evil dance.

"Because your death already triggered another Slayer. If every time you died a new Slayer was created, why the Council would have me stop your heart with a Defibrillator and then use it to bring you back to life! HA HA HA HA!"

"I don't get British humor," Xander said to Anyanka who asked what he would like to wish for. "I wish you would never ask me that again!"

And with that wish, Anyanka was turned into the human Anya and she ran away, because bad stuff was happening soon that couldn't be stopped ever.

"If it really worked that way, then shouldn't Buffy no longer have superpowers?" Giles asked.

"It's not a perfect theory and wow Cordelia is physically attractive. Despite her youth, she looks like a mature woman of 28 and it is therefore not creepy for me to be interested in her!" New Giles said, looking seductively at Cordelia, who returned his advances.

Boymony was mad at them, but she didn't have any time to continue being mad when Mr. Trick jumped out and threw the Deputy Mayor at Faith. Faith cut him in half with her stake before realizing it was a human, and then killed Mr. Trick and then joined The Mayor, because she was sorry.

Soon the time for the final battle was at hand, and not even Vampire Willow could stop them. Because Oz killed her. The whole school fought really hard, and the bad guys fought hard too and things looked kind of murky until a vampire caught Boymony and bit him in the neck, dragging the hunky beefcake off the battlefield and into an ice cream truck, where Boymony managed to tear the vampires leg off and stake him with the leg-bone. But it was too late…

The Mayor and Faith both died in the explosion that propelled Cordelia, Angel and New Giles to Los Angeles, where they were never heard from again and then everyone was happy. Until next time. When they became less happy. Because of sad things.


	4. This Chapter is the Fourth One

**Chapter Four: This Chapter is the Fourth One.**

It was with a heavy heart that Boymony crawled out of her grave and ate the gravekeeper with his vampire powers. Well, it would have been a heavy heart, but Boymony was a vampire now and the only thing a vampire's heart was good for was keeping the vampire alive, so weight was not usually a factor.

Boymony shook his manly, demon-shaped head and stomped out of the grave, killing people and vampires, but mostly people as she tried to figure out what he could do with his life, now that it was over. It didn't take long though, before Boymony ran into someone almost as blond and vampire-like as he was.

"Spike!" Boymony said, clarifying for the reader who the character mentioned in the previous paragraph was.

"Boymony!" Spike snarled, using his tone of voice to indicate his feelings on encountering this particular person.

"Shall we battle?" Boymony asked, raising his beefy hand-muscles.

"I would win, because I am a vampire and can only be hurt by things that can kill me!" Spike said, laughing uproariously at his ingenious stratagem.

"Ha! I am also now a vampire and can only be hurt by things that can kill me!" Boymony said, metaphorically stomping on his stratagem with her literal handstand.

Spike hissed in that way that bad guys do when they are hurt, not physically, but in some other, less apparent way. In Spike's case, his feelings were hurt. Boymony felt intense guilt at that, and almost without meaning to, but really meaning to, he gave Spike a big manly hug. Spike returned the hug, their massive vampire strength crushing each other's internal vampire organs, but then their vampire healing repaired their broken bones.

Before the hug could deepen into a stronger hug, Spike threw Boymony off of himself, crushing a person to death.

"Why did you do that?" Boymony demanded. "Don't you love me?"

"I'm not gay!" Spike said.

"Neither am I!" Boymony said.

"Oh."

"So…want to date?"

"Well, as long as you're not gay I guess it's okay, since Drusilla is still dead for now and cheating on me with that demon guy."

"I will let you know as soon as I become gay and we can stop dating," Boymony said radiantly and the two went to find a tomb they could kill people in, skipping and holding hands and then eating the hands of the people. Because they were vampires.

Meanwhile, Buffy and the people that Buffy hung out with were going to college. It was a nice college, with rooms and classes and stuff, but bad guys lurked behind every corner, which often caused problems for Buffy because sometimes she wasn't sure which corners she had already cleared of bad guys.

Suddenly Oz burst into Buffy's dorm room and Buffy was surprised.

"Oz! What are you doing here?" Willow, Buffy's roommate, asked.

"I have to leave, because I am a werewolf," Oz said dejectedly.

"When did that happen?" Buffy's new boyfriend Riley asked.

"Quite recently. Bye!"

Willow was really sad that Oz was gone, but things turned out okay, because Willow found that unlike Boymony and Spike, she was gay and liked lady-people. So she met a witch and named her Tara and the two of them cast spells sexily.

Xander then came to the college with Giles.

"Bad news Buffy, Anya is back and she is my girlfriend."

"That's horrible!" Riley said, hiding behind a desk.

"No that's not the bad news. The bad news is the military is catching demons!"  
"Oh no!" Buffy said, "That sounds bad!"

"Don't worry," Riley said, crawling out from under the bed. "I'll investigate!"

"Okay!" everyone ever said, in excited agreement.

While Riley went out to investigate, Buffy and her new boyfriend bonded by lying to each other about themselves, building the solid foundation upon which all relationships are formed. Meanwhile Xander was attacked by Boymony

"Boymony!" Xander said excitedly. "It is pleasurable to see you!"

"That doesn't sound like something you would normally say," Boymony said suspiciously.

Unfortunately for him, it was too suspiciously and Xander pulled out a stake. "You must be a vampire! Prepare to die!"

Before Boymony could prepare to die, Spike jumped out and back-flipped over Xander, stunning him long enough for the two to escape. Xander went back to his basement place and held Anya's hand in sorrow. Unbeknownst to him but soon beknownst by Spike and Boymony, commando's captured Spike by shooting his eye with tasers. They tried to catch Boymony as well, but she was far too powerful to be taken out by conventional weapons, so they just scuttled back to their secret base, carrying captured Spike on their backs.

Boymony had no choice, he had to go to the good guys and get them to help. However, when Boymony arrived at the good guys, Buffy was already fighting Faith!

"I thought you were dead!" Giles said as Buffy kicked Faith in her Faith-parts.

"You wish!" Faith said, before putting something on her hand and smashing it into Buffy's head-face. There was a sudden explosion of light and sound and explosives and when it cleared, everyone was doing stuff…especially Buffy and Faith.

"I am Buffy," Faith said, moving in a way that was not as sexy as usual.

"No you're not," Buffy said, giving Faith an evil look. "I am clearly Buffy. Look, I am blond and have a boyfriend."  
"Hmm…" Giles said, "This is tough. Which one is the real Buffy and which one is not Faith?"

"I am not Faith!" both said simultaneously.

"Well that answers that question," Riley said, using his camouflage to blend in with the wall.

"It's like a logic puzzle!" Willow said excitedly, channeling her inner Hermione. "Let's analyze the facts: We know one of them is Buffy and neither of them are Faith. Uh…"

"I think those are all the facts," Tara said encouragingly.

"Could both of them be Buffy?" Anya asked.

"NO!" both said simultaneously.

"Forget this," Boymony said, stepping forward and punching Faith into Los Angeles. "I need your help."  
"Okay," Buffy said. "With what?"

"Spike was kidnapped by bad guys-" Boymony started to say.

"Don't help her!" Xander said warningly, "He's a vampire!"

"So?" Buffy said. "Spike and Angel are vampires too and I got along with them just fine."

"But Boymony is eviler!" Giles warned.

"Hmm…is that true?" Buffy asked.

"Yes," Boymony said unflinchingly.

"I respect your honesty," Buffy said. "We shall help you."

"YAY!" Everyone said.

Before they could get too excited, Riley burst through the skylight, still holding onto the harness thing that had lowered him from the helicopter.

"Hey guys, I found this Spike guy, but the bad guys have him."

"Let's rescue him!" Xander said, eyes blazing with metaphorical fury.

The group organized together, gathering weapons and pooling their determination into one large pool of determination that each one could reach into, grit their teeth and be more determined than they were before. Riley led them to the government's secret underground lab, but it was underground so they weren't able to reach. They were about to give up, when Boymony punched through the ground and they ended up in the lab.

Bad guys gathered around them, but they stopped them instantly. Things were looking awesome, up until the ultimate bad guy came up. He looked awesome too, but it was a scary awesome and the others quivered in fear.

"I am Adam," he said and threw Spike at them.

Boymony caught Spike after he rolled over Giles and Anya and got him to his feet. But something was wrong.

"Something is wrong," Spike said.

"What?" Boymony asked.

"Watch," Spike said, throwing a roundhouse at Xander's face. Both of them fell to the ground screaming and clutching their heads.

"What is this sorcery?" Boymony demanded.

"Not sorcery," Adam said in his super-cool voice. "This is science. He has a chip in his head that prevents him from hurting humans."

"But he still hit me!" Xander said, clutching his head.

"It needs work," Adam said. "Now stand still so I can kill you."

Some of the good guys thought about doing that, but ultimately Adam was not cool enough for them to listen to him, so they fought him real hard. He used science, but they still had their pool of determination and not even science can stop that. Unless the science was done in the process of stopping determination, which this science was not. So it did not stop them.

Soon Adam fell to their power, and with that, the fourth major bad guy ever made ever was stopped. Spike and Boymony ran off into the sunset, while the other good guys prepared for a luxurious summer that would lead to a year where nothing bad happened ever. Giles suggested that the New Year start at the end of summer, because that is when most of the stuff started, while Xander wanted the New Year to start at the beginning, because summer is really neat and the best time for celebrating. Everyone else just laughed, because what they said had been funny.


	5. Before This Chapter

**Chapter Five: Before this chapter there were four chapters. Now there are five, because this chapter added another one to the list. The list that had all the chapters. Of which there are now five. Chapters, not lists.**

Boymony was sad. Spike broke up with him, because Boymony kept hitting people and Spike couldn't hit people without feeling like people were hitting him in his head-face. So they hit each other and then broke up and now Boymony is evil and has a gang of evil people to help her be vampires at Buffy.

"Come on guys!" Boymony said, at the vampires, who included a big guy and Andrew. "We have to eat Buffy!"

They went to Buffy's house, only to meet this guy who kind of looked like Dracula, and said he was Dracula and had Dracula's credentials, but was not Christopher Lee, and so therefore could not be Dracula.

"Hello. I would like to suck your blood," Not Dracula said, with an accent that made his w's sound like v's.

"We would also like to suck our blood, if we were human and also vampires our blood would be the first thing we sucked, followed closely by other people's blood. Alas, we are vampires and have no blood to suck." Boymony said sadly.

"That's not entirely true," Andrew said. "We still bleed and our blood still tastes like regular blood, it's just cold and we don't make it naturally."

"Shut up," the big vampire said before crushing a tree.

"I am here to turn the Slayer into a vampire." Not Dracula said, arching an eyebrow at the vampires.

"Why?" Boymony asked.

"Because I am Dracula," Not Dracula said, "And a Slayer Vampire would be super strong and powerful. Her Slayer strength would combine with the power of a vampire and she would be unstoppable."

"Then wouldn't she kill you because she's evil and way stronger than you at that point?" Andrew asked.

Not Dracula hissed at that and turned to smoke and misted away.

"Attack!" Boymony shouted and her army of vampires started kicking and punching at Buffy's house.

It did not take long before a sleepy Joyce and Buffy came out of the house, rubbing their eyes blearily and staring at the fearsome army of the undead with tiredness.

"What are you doing?" Buffy asked, yawning slightly.

"Destroying you!" Boymony said as the large vampire crushed another vampire. Not Andrew though, he's fine.

"Could you do it in the morning honey? Dawnie's trying to sleep." Joyce asked, her mom-like tone of persuasion persuading Boymony to stop being a dick for once and leaving the Summer's women alone for a night. However in the morning they attacked again and Buffy killed them all. Except for Andrew and Boymony, who escaped or won or something.

Then Ben showed up at Buffy's house.

"Buffy," Ben said, looking at Dawn with sad eyes. "I have some sad news about your mom."  
"I'll go get her," Dawn said, teleporting to her mom's room and carrying her downstairs.

"Yes?" Joyce asked as Buffy punched Spike in his spiky hair. They were fighting in the backyard, but because Spike could not hit people without pain hitting him he was not doing as well as he normally did.

"You have a brain-cancer." Ben said sadly, holding his doctor notes out at Joyce who read them and agreed that yes, it did appear she had cancer of the brain. Dawn started crying, to which Ben turned to her and said more words. "Why are you sad? It's not like you're real. I'm sure if you wanted you could just get another mom."

"I don't know what you mean," Dawn said, teleporting her tears away as she stood by Ben.

"You see, I'm really Glory!" Ben said, turning into Glory.

"Ah!" Buffy said, grabbing Spike and throwing him at the hellgod.

"Do you think Glory and Ben…have some kind of connection?" Xander asked Giles.

Giles didn't answer because he was too busy killing Ben. In a sexy, British way.

Things looked pretty good for everyone, but at that moment, Boymony, Drusilla and Not Dracula came back and were evil, scaring Buffy and Spike. Some bad stuff happened, and Not Dracula got killed and Joyce died of a blood wound to her brain-cancer. Boymony escaped the chaos and flew to Los Angeles.

When he arrived, after punching his way through several buildings and throwing a tiny Texas man out of a pick-up truck as he was leaving the city, Boymony found Cordelia doing things in a place.

"Boymony?" Cordelia said, really surprised to see Boymony at the place while she was doing things.

"Hey Cordelia, I thought I'd pay you a visit, because I am not a vampire."

"Well that was a nice, definitely not vampire-like thing to do!" Cordelia said, getting food from a different place and having a party while Boymony told the truth about all the things he did except for the things she did after Cordelia left, those were all lies.

They had a really good time, until Cordelia mentioned she had a job with Angel and part of that job entailed killing vampires.

"But not all vampires, right?" Boymony asked nervously. "You must leave some, good vampires alone?"

"Nope!" Cordelia replied chirpily. "We kill every vampire we meet, regardless of disposition. That's because vampires are always evil, even if they are good!"

"Oh," Boymony said, getting up to go to the door, "Look at the time, I have to run."

Boymony ran through the door, but bounced off Angel's massive chest and then off New Giles' slightly less massive, but no less sexy and considerably more British chest.

"Ah! You guys! You're here! And being guy-shaped," Boymony stammered as a black man showed up. At first Boymony thought it was a vampire, like Absalom or Mr. Trick, but a punch to the man's face revealed him to be human, albeit with a strong face. Then a green demon showed up and Boymony relaxed, because with a green demon there, a vampire would seem much less dangerous.

"Hey there guys," the leprechaun or whatever he was said. "Let's go kill some vampires!"

"YAY!" Everyone shouted.

"I gotta go," Boymony said nervously, but before he could escape, the building they were in collapsed and Darla and Drusilla attacked.

"Boymony! Get them!" Darla commanded.

Cordelia spun towards Boymony, her heart hurting nearly as much as Gunn's face. "You're a vampire? How could you do that to me? I thought we were friends!"

"I didn't mean to, it's just Spike was so sexy, I had to become a vampire!"

The people fought for a while and Darla and Drusilla exploded, while Boymony managed to jump off the Gunn guy's face and land outside, where she escaped.

Before Angel and co could chase after him, a massive demonic creature burst through the hole in the sky, rippling with muscles and ooze leaking out of him so acidic that it burned holes through the cement. He laughed at the sky and said "**I AM THE ONE BEHIND EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED TO YOU, NOW DIE!"**

Lightning cracked in the background and a Latin choir started to sing as the ultimate bad guy, even bigger and scarier than the other bad guys had finally revealed himself.

"Let's do this," Angel said as he ran forward, starting the final battle against the bad guy.


	6. Chapter Eight Everything is Resolved

**Chapter Eight: This chapter concludes all the things that happened in the previous chapters, especially the plot points brought up in chapters six and seven.**

_Note: This is the chapter that explains everything_

When Boymony woke up, stuff happened. This is normally a normal thing for him to experience, but today the stuff that had happened was special. Having barely recovered from the whirlwind of chaos that the last two years brought, Boymony was going to start her new job at the evilest law firm in the world, Wolfram & Hart. At least, he was pretty sure it was the evilest. There were a few other ones, like that injury firm with the commercials that seemed pretty evil too.

After punching his way into the building, Boymony went to his desk in front of Angel's, more commonly known as the CEO's, office. And then stuff happened!

"Boymony!" Angel said, as New Giles stood behind him, looking British and intimidating.

"Yes?" Boymony said.

"Okay!" Angel said before returning back to his office. New Giles gestured threateningly at Boymony, while Frederick did science.

"Are you fitting in okay here, Boymony?" Frederick asked, not looking up from his important science notes.

"Sort of…you know that feeling you get, when you're in a room and all the people in the room are people you hate, but you don't want them to know that you hate them because then they'll kill you, so you pretend to be nice and cheery so that you don't have to deal with them killing you? Well, that's kind of how I feel; only I'm more like the people in the room."

"Huh?" Frederick said, "Oh! I wasn't talking to you; I was asking that person next to you."

The person next to Boymony killed a guy and then turned into Gunn, who was really good at law and being bald but with some hair.

"Let's go do stuff," Gunn told Frederick.

Boymony sighed and signed papers and then went into a room to drink blood because he was a vampire and blood was something that she drank. While in there, a person started talking to her, in front of his face and everything!

"So what do you think about Fred and Wesley? Those two are totally pairing up."

"What?" Boymony said, spitting blood-coffee all over demons who were signing papers and sighing. "Wesley isn't gay, and neither am I! I always saw him with Willow."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," the person said, baring her fangs and turning into a vampire. "And that is why I hate you!"

The two fought really hard, like harder than you would expect from two relatively minor characters over a pretty petty situation, but then the one who was more minor died and the other one became a star. A star of EVIL!

And then a woman showed up and she gave Angel the mail, which made the Mexican wrestler really mad so he threw Angel and the mail at the woman, which sent them both crashing through the window. When they got back they were both pretty mad but then Angel opened his mail and found a package. Inside the package was a box, and inside the box was an envelope. When Angel opened that he found a letter, but when he unfolded it words fell out and a container appeared. When that was opened Spike emerged!

"Spike!" Boymony said, giving his boyfriend a huge hug. Spike returned the hug, until they noticed Spike was standing in a desk!

"You must be a ghost!" New Giles said, as Boymony stared dejectedly at her intangible boyfriend.

"Bloody hell!" Spike said and then saw Angel. "I don't like you because we both like Buffy!"

He turned into a Vampire and attacked Angel, but he just went through him.

"Fascinating!" New Giles said as Frederick took notes. "A Vampire…who is also a ghost? Doesn't seem possible!"

"And I still have a soul!" Spike said, noticing that when he thought about killing people other than Angel he felt guilty.

"And you are wearing clothes," Boymony said disappointedly.

"Now I wonder," New Giles said, "If that chip of yours still exists?"

"How could we even check it?" Gunn asked, "He can't hurt anyone anymore."

"Because I am in the science department, I know that the chip also took effect if he intended to hurt someone, the intention, not the action itself is what gave him pain!" Frederick said excitedly.

"Can he even feel pain if he is an ensouled Vampire Ghost?" Angel asked hopefully.

"Bloody wankers, I don't even have my chip anymore!" Spike said.

"Fascinating!" New Giles said as Frederick took notes. "So that did not cross over when you became a ghost!"

"No that's not it…oh screw it. Quid." Spike said, before falling through the floor.

However, before he could fall through the center of the earth he hit the green leprechaun and realized he was not a ghost anymore. He ran around a bit before coming back and telling everyone. Everyone was really happy, except for Angel and the two fought over Vanilla Coke and Spike won, but Angel was still the good guy.

And then Fred, who was definitely not Frederick or a guy, because anyone who thinks that Fred is male simply because of a masculine name is silly and definitely not writing this story, did some science and found out Spike was only not a ghost because of evil.

"I'm not evil!" Spike said, while hugging Boymony.

"You may not be," Fred said, "But your ghostliness was!"

"And I was behind that!" Lindsay said, jumping and stabbing Spike with a sword. Eve popped out from behind the curtains and threw an apple at Fred. New Giles and Gunn got really mad, but before they could do anything, Cordelia came in and used her ghost powers to tear Lindsay's skin off and then he was sucked into a portal and Eve gave up.

"Cordelia!" Boymony said happily, hugging her best friend, but then Cordelia vanished and everyone was happy except for Angel who now had superpowers. Then Fred tried to kiss New Giles, but he was dating Willow so when she died and turned into a blue god thing, she was alone. Alone in sadness!

Then that one guy who kept dying showed up and said he turned Fred into Blue Fred and people were mad at him, including Spike and New Giles, who killed the guy who kept dying. Blue Fred tried to end the world then, but Angel punched her and broke his hand. Then Boymony punched her and broke her face and she stopped trying to end the world.

After that things fell into a relatively evil routine. Boymony punched coffee and blood to people, Angel saved people and made bad decisions, Spike saved people and made better decisions, New Giles was sad about Blue Fred, Gunn was sad about his hair and Blue Fred was sad about her not ending the world. However this comfortable routine was eventually broken up when Andrew showed up and said things.

"This situation reminds me of the Star Trek The Next Generation episode, "Encounter at Farpoint" because everyone is being judged by a more powerful entity, in this case the Senior Partners!" Andrew said dorkily, with much accents and stuff.

"What are you talking about?" Boymony asked, punching some virgins to a demon.

"We have to find the Slayer who is crazy, just like how the Apprentice had to find the mad Jedi Kazdan Paratus!"

"It's 2004," New Giles said knowledgeably.

Suddenly Spike jumped in through the floor and held up his hands, which had fallen off.

"Some crazy wanker cut off my hands and locked me in the loo!"

"Oh no!" Angel said, sad that Spike was still alive.

"It must be the Slayer! The convenience of this is just like when the Prince meets Farah again, even though the chances of that were extremely unlikely!"

Boymony nodded, punching a hole in the floor so they could get to the Slayer. Once they found her they fought for a while, but eventually overcame her crazy Slayer powers long enough to restrain her. But just when Angel was going to do stuff, Andrew interrupted him and summoned a whole bunch of Slayers to steal the crazy Slayer away.

"This is just like that time when Malcolm was stuck fishing with his dad in Season 3, episode 1 and Stevie and Reese went to the girl's camp, leaving Malcom behind!" Andrew said as they all flew away.

"I HATE FISH!" Angel shouted, punching the wall and hurting his broken hand.

Things looked pretty grim after that, especially after Angel turned into a puppet and dated a werewolf, something that New Giles' girlfriend had a lot of experience with. The werewolf thing, not the puppet thing. That was new. As everyone started to get used to being miserable Eve showed up and said they needed to rescue Lindsay now that his skin had grown back. The good guys agreed and rescued Lindsay but then Jayne attacked them and made Eve even more powerless.

Blue Fred then saved everyone, but was beat up a bit and Angel said he was done with stuff playing out exactly how it would have gone if Boymony had been a girl.

"What does my gender have to do with anything?" Boymony punched.

"Apparently nothing," Angel said, winking at the camera.

Before anyone could respond a figure burst through the door.

"Hello everybody!" the figure said, adopting a pose befitting one such as himself.

"Mr. Kendall?" Blue Fred said, surprised to see him here, but not surprised at how he looked, as he appeared to be quite normal looking.

"What are you doing here?" Boymony asked.

"I am here to shake up the status quo!" Mr. Kendall said, his forgettable voice sounding exactly like how one would expect it to sound.

"And bloody hell how you would do that you tosser?" Spike asked genially.

"I think we should take down Wolfram and Hart by destroying the Circle of the Black Thorn!"

Everyone nodded and agreed that is probably something they would not have done otherwise. Mr. Kendall turned out to have a plan for this, and it was exactly the kind of plan you would expect from a guy like him. After executing the plan, everyone had successfully done stuff, until Boymony betrayed them by not doing his part in the plan.

"Boymony! Why would you ruin your father's plan?" New Giles demanded as Blue Fred transformed into Dead Fred and looked at her reproachfully.

"Because I am evil! I always ruin everybody's plans! Remember last year, and the year before that, where I ruined people's plans by being evil?"

"I do remember that," Spike and Angel said, nodding at each other.

"Ha ha!" Mr. Kendall said, his distinctive smile immediately making itself lodged into the cranial cavities of all present.

"Why are you laughing?" Blue/Dead Fred said. "That is an illogical reaction to this situation, meatbag."

"Yes, your plan is ruined," Lawful Gunn said.

"On the contrary," Mr. Kendall said, waggling his finger, "This is all fitting perfectly into my plan!"

"What?" Boymony said, shocked that her father would have planned for her betrayal.

"You see, I knew you were evil, and since you were evil you would eventually betray us, which is why I gave you the most important part of the plan!"

"That doesn't really make sense," Angel said, angry that his superpowers from Cordelia were not helpful in this situation.

"It does if you realize I want the plan to fail!" Mr. Kendall said, doing that pose again.

"But that would mean you were evil! Lorry!" Spike said.

"HA HA H AHA HA HA A!" Mr. Kendall laughed, his voice echoing exactly the way you would expect his voice to echo in this situation.

"I don't understand Father," Boymony said, putting his hands on her hips and stamping her boy-like foot down in frustration. "I want to be evil, you can't be evil too."

"You still don't get it, do you?" Mr. Kendall said, shadows falling across his face in a pattern befitting one such as him. "I have been behind everything!"

"Even the demon that said he had been behind everything?" New Giles asked.

"Especially the demon that said he had been behind everything! I manipulated Boymony through my evil ways into making everything unfold just the way I wanted to!"

"But why?" Angel asked.

"Well, I have to admit, if Boymony had been a girl I would not have had the courage to fulfill my greatest wish."

"And what's that? Cheerio." Spike asked.

"To conquer the world!"

"Oh good job Boymony," Ghost Cordelia said, "If you were born a girl this never would have happened!"  
"I'm sorry!" Boymony said, while punching his sorrow into the ground. "My sinful love for Spike has led to this moment!"

"Don't blame me for your troubles love! Your stupid man-parts are the problem here!" Spike said, recoiling from his forbidden love.

"I've had enough of this. Die Mr. Kendall!" Angel shouted.

Angel charged at Mr. Kendall, left foot rising in a powerful snap kick. Mr. Kendall stepped back and easily caught the foot with his right hand, before twisting around and hurling Angel through a wall. Spike roared with battle-rage and some joy, at seeing Angel tossed around, but his haymaker whiffed as Mr. Kendall slid under his fist and landed an open-palm strike on Spike's throat hard enough to send the bleached vampire flying into Boymony.

New Giles and Lawful Gunn approached next, as the three vampires tried to recover, Lawful Gunn pulling a battle-axe from his pocket and New Giles drawing a pair of pistols.

"I'll go in first and distract him, Wesley you take the first shot you can get," Lawful Gunn said, using his mighty knowledge of law and how courts work to come up with a clever plan, to which New Giles agreed to.

Unfortunately, Mr. Kendall's ears worked just as well as his evil plans, so when Lawful Gunn moved forward to try and distract him, Mr. Kendall simply extended his hand and sent Gunn screaming to the ground with a burst of magic fire. New Giles, startled, but not stunned, raised his pistols, but Mr. Kendall shot forward, moving so quickly he seemed to vanish, before appearing behind Wesley and disarming him with a swift chop to his wrists.

Before Mr. Kendall could perform a more permanent method of disarming, a blue fist suddenly entered his line of sight, shortly before it entered his jaw. Unfortunately for Blue Fred, the blow barely moved Mr. Kendall's head back and before she could follow up with a more powerful strike, he spun around and landed two kicks to her head.

"Is this the best you have to offer me? Have you no one who can stand against me?" Mr. Kendall said, laughing evilly in exactly the way you would expect one as evil as him to laugh.

That was when the green leprechaun thing struck. It shrieked in its horrible green voice and that, combined with the garishness of its horrible tacky colorful clothes was enough for Mr. Kendall to be distracted, which was when New Giles struck, by pulling out a shotgun and shooting Mr. Kendall in the back, like how a traitor would shoot an ally in the back, but because Mr. Kendall was evil it was morally okay, although New Giles is often doing things that are morally ambiguous.

Mr. Kendall was sent to his knees as the shotgun pellets were pumped into him, but he managed to create a bubble of power that expanded around him, knocking New Giles off his feet. Mr. Kendall got up, the wounds on his back bleeding slightly, but his face looked just as evil. He raised a hand, preparing to kill the leprechaun when suddenly Angel's son, Connor burst in and kicked Mr. Kendall into the waiting fist of Lindsay who also just showed up. Mr. Kendall was sent reeling and Angel and Spike got up as well, all of them surrounding the mighty evil.

"Son, what are you doing here?"

"I am here to stop this guy, who was behind everything!" Connor said, flipping his hair in a manly way.

"You think a few super-strong well trained warriors are enough to take me down?" Mr. Kendall roared, crackling with evil.

"No, but this might," New Giles said, pulling out two Rocket Launchers from his jacket and while dual-wielding both of them, he fired at Mr. Kendall. The resulting explosion sent everyone careening into the extremely flimsy walls of the place they were in, but when the smoke cleared they saw that Mr. Kendall was still alive.

But he didn't look good; his skin looked exactly like one would expect it to look after a British person fired a pair of rockets at him. As he slowly staggered to his feet, steam wafting off his burned flesh, the battle looked almost over…until something happened that prolonged the battle!

A massive formless being took shape and laughed at everyone, but mostly at Mr. Kendall.

"Foolish fools! You have foolishly fallen into my trap, a trap that only the most foolish of fools would foolishly fall for!"

"I know that voice!" Angel said heroically, "That's The First!"

The First looked at Angel with its shapeless eyes and cackled with glee. "Mr. Kendall was my only true adversary, and now that he is beaten I am free to conquer the world! GWA HA HA HA HA!"

"Can't let you do that, The First," Mr. Kendall said, surging forward with surprising speed. With a monstrous mouth motion he clamped his jaws around an intangible chunk of The First…and ate it.

"What! No, this can't be! It is impossible!" The First shouted as it was quickly devoured by Mr. Kendall. Strengthened by its evil, Mr. Kendall flexed his mighty malicious muscles and with a surge of sinister strength, knocked everyone down.

"Ha ha! I am now the most powerful evil power remaining on this earth! I will gather all the evil in the world and use it to kill everything that is not me and the things I wish to rule!"

Mr. Kendall started to gather all the evil in the world for one mighty strike and all hope looked lost…until one figure stepped in front of him. Mr. Kendall squinted to see past the roiling waves of sickening light the evil made, and when he saw who opposed him he looked quite shocked.

"Boymony! What are you doing?"  
"Stopping you! You don't have all the evil dad…you don't have me!"

"But why would you stop me? I plan to rule with you at my side!"

"I stop you because I am evil…and betraying people is what I do!"

With that heroic line delivered, Boymony charged into her father, sending all the evil askew and into the two of them. Unable to contain all the evil ever, with Boymony punching him, Mr. Kendall lost control and exploded in exactly the way you would expect him to explode…killing Boymony as well.

With that last gasp of power, all the evil in the world vanished, leaving our heroes to stare at the beaten body of their vampire companion. Spike held Boymony's head in that way people do when they're sad that person is dead, and wailed at the sky.

"I can't believe Boymony sacrificed himself to save us," Lawful Gunn said, unbelieving.

"Dying to kill his own father…truly, a tragic tale," New Giles said, ending this story by looking into the distance majestically, while Blue Fred, disguised as Dead Fred, hung onto his arm.

**THE END**


End file.
